we were all supposed to be in this together

climbing the mountain of life, ledge by ledge

but at one point you all kept climbing

faster 

and faster

leaving me behind

as i stared at you in a frozen state of mind

the peak of the mountain seemed unattainable

a goal we all so earnestly tried to seize 

not knowing it was impossible

i found no reason to keep going 

so i let go 

and there i went

my body flailing in the bitter clutches of the icy wind

down,

down, 

down, 

my face was met with the salty sprays of the ocean 

the harsh waves were keeping me down and 

a faint voice from below was calling

whether it was mother nature’s sirens of death,

 the treacherous thoughts that muddled my head,

or the unforgiving waves,

that beckoned me down 

is something i’ve yet to discover

i reached the murky depths of the ocean 

greeted by the lost souls that aimlessly float around

desperately longing for hope,

 someone to tell them 

that they lived a good life,

that they were worth it

the souls rushedly gathered around me 

sizing me up until they disappointedly realized i had nothing to offer

a soul void of happiness, 

stripped clean of the naivete we once held in our youth 

the chorus of their cries drowned my own thoughts

a much welcome surprise

but soon it wasn’t enough 

the nagging feeling in the back of my mind 

grew louder 

and louder 

and so

i swam deeper 

and deeper 

into the ocean 

praying that whatever i encountered 

was better than the darkness engulfing my brain

whatever it was that i was searching for, 

i never found it

the ocean was an abyss

the bottom didn’t exist

but i kept swimming and swimming 

an unattainable goal

one i so earnestly tried to seize 

knowing it was impossible

i found no reason to keep going 

but i persisted into  

a circle of consequences

a self-made hell