Viking Call

Upper Merion High's Student Newspaper


Monsters: America’s Modern Problems

 Monsters are people who have been with us for generations. We all know the ones: The jerks that scare you in the middle of the night when you have that meeting in the morning. The ones who live in your closet or under your bed rent free and never pay any taxes or help with the apartment dues. 

 Most people ignore them and pretend they don’t exist, possibly because they don’t want to address their problems, very much like the people who leave their Halloween decorations out months after the holiday. However, what many don’t know is that Monsters are becoming a serious issue. 1/3 of the world’s population has a monster issue. 

 These monster issues cost taxpayers and landlords nearly a billion dollars, says a statistic from the University of Fakerton. “It’s absolutely ludicrous,” said one UM student. “I had a monster in my house for 3 years and they never paid a dime in rent.” Another student stated that it was so dumb that  monsters “terrorize us” and do nothing in return. They don’t offer us any benefit. All they do is take and take and take and take. 

 Our saviors, the IRS, have come to the rescue, for On March 32nd, the IRS and Justice Department launched a series of lawsuits, arrests, and charges against many monsters, who were notable for their crimes, such as illegal squatting and tax evasion. 

 Over 40,000 monsters have been indicted and class action lawsuits have been made by children and the ‘Parent Force’ (the group of parents who have been deployed to check the closets and under the beds for these monsters). 

 It’s unclear whether these charges will lead to an end to Monster troublemaking, but one thing is clear: Monsters under the bed now have to pay taxes like everyone else. The Justice Department has further called on people begging evictions of their monsters to call this number, 111-111-1111 (actually don’t*), in the event that civil action is necessary. 

 While many are clearly concerned about this rising issue, it can be assured that, if instructions are followed, the Monster crisis will subside. Finally, after generations of freeloading monsters, the public are addressing this very serious concern. 


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