Viking Call

Upper Merion High's Student Newspaper

Featured Op-Ed

The Best in Women’s Sports

I can beat Serena Williams! 

I can beat Gabby Douglass!

I can beat Simone Biles!

I can beat Ronda Rousey! 

I can beat Katie Ledecky!

I can beat all the women greats, at every sport, and at every level!

Why do I think that I can beat all these goats at their sport?

Because I am a man! 

“I have a biological advantage that ensures, that guarantees, that promises that I can beat any female at their sport. “

It doesn’t matter that these goats are so much more, so much more, so much more experienced and skillful at their sport than me. 

It doesn’t matter! 

Because I am a man! 

My fellow men and I can beat any and all women at their sports because we have a biological advantage. 

Nature itself has guaranteed us, and every one of us, victory in the realm of sports. 

That’s why the goat politician, Ron Desantis and other great politicians like Jim Justice and Madison Cawthorne have blessed us with their correct and just and great ideas to ban trangender athletes from participating in the competitions of the gender that they identify with. 

As the great Martina Navratilvoa explained “A top woman swimmer has to literally be unbelievable to beat an average male swimmer who identifies as female” (New York Post)

It’s not as if skill and experience allows someone to win! 

Genetics is the sole determinant of who wins a competItion. 

Will Thomas didn’t win because of his extreme skill and hard work! 

He won because he was a man! 

He won because of his genetics!

He won because men have physical genetic traits that cannot dare be overcome by a female. 

It is not extremely discounting to think that an average joe on the street can beat the greatest female athletes! 

It is not extremely discounting to think that a woman can never, ever, crush a man in her comparative sport! 

It is not extremely discriminatory and frankly, sad and grim and grisly to restrict an individual from the greatness they attained via their hard work just because of their LGBTQ affilation

My male classmates, sparingly, used to jokingly say that they can beat some great female athletes at their sport. 

They weren’t wrong, because according to many, apparently all you need to dominate women’s sports is a random roll of the die. 

All you need to do to dominate women’s sports is to be male! 

Because males have a biological advantage that ensures that they can beat any female, at any level at any sport. 

In all seriousness and in a completely non-satirical way, I really hope that you understand that this is a satirical piece. Any woman can beat any man at sport and at any level. I, personally, would be crushed by all those greats I mentioned and I would be crushed and destroyed and whooped by any girl with any experience in all sports. 


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