I recently went on the school sponsored Disney trip, an experience I will absolutely never forget and I mean that in the worst possible way. You may be thinking about how ungrateful I must be and how I should’ve soaked in this once in a lifetime experience, but let me just say this…I was on the Spirit flight. Somehow a flight that had a six hour delay and about two inches of legroom wasn’t even the worst part. You want to know what was? Children. 

   Children under the age of seven should not be allowed in any amusement park ever! All strollers would become useless and the fiery rage that builds inside me everytime I see one would be eliminated. There is no reason your fully capable elementary aged child should be sitting in a stroller watching Youtube on a sticky IPad in the middle of Disney World. This is supposed to be the happiest place on earth, and you are ruining it for me Diane, please get your double wide stroller out of the line for Space Mountain. 

   I am not alone in my beliefs. Some of my fellow classmates who made the treacherous journey to Disney with me felt the same thing. Anna Cannon, a treasured Upper Merion student, claimed that she “lost all faith in humanity” after seeing what the children of today’s society are truly like. 

    My own mother was an avid stroller user which may have resulted in her raising three overtly average children, a phenomenon that I am still investigating. When speaking to her about this topic, she said, “Sophia, wait until you have kids, and then your whole perspective will change.” Don’t worry mom, my perspective will never change. When I raise a wonderful dog one day, I will make sure to teach it to walk like the rest of us, instead of teaching it to be some spoiled brat relying on being pushed around everywhere. 

   Modern society has made us all so weak. Do you think that cavewomen pushed their kids in a stroller? No, they left them tied to a marked tree and hoped for the best. Whatever happened to that? The older generation is always talking about how kids these days need to toughen up, well I think this might do just that. 

   Now you may be asking yourself if this is some sort of joke. That no one can dare be this terrible. Sorry to burst your bubble, but I am this terrible. In fact, I say we take it a step further and ban children from every public space, not just amusement parks. I’m still working out the kinks here, but I think I might be the next Albert Einstein, except of course, I am a female and with better hair. Wait, I think I just created the solution to all of our problems

In all seriousness and in a totally non-satirical way, I do understand the struggles that parents of young children go through. Melatonin gummies for kids do exist and no one will judge you if you sneak a few into their fruit snacks. Stay sane everyone!