Viking Call

Upper Merion High's Student Newspaper


That’s How Sue Cs It

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, there lived an evil king named Will Schuester. King Schuester had cast his kingdom under a deep, deep spell which hypnotized every highschooler to stop, drop, and perform a show choir set.  There was only one high school in his kingdom: William McKinley High School. He frequented this establishment and made unannounced visits so he could laugh and watch the insufferable brats sing and dance with the combined talent of a rock.

The real reason King Schuester cursed these high school students was that he was once in their position. He used to have it all, he was the soccer team co-captain and he had a girlfriend until his teammates heard him rap in the locker room one day. They immediately started laughing and insulting the King, and if you’ve ever heard King Schuester rap, you’d start laughing too. That was the day King Schuester turned rotten, his passion for music had turned dark. Up until that moment, he had used his magic for good, but the hate that was churning in his heart had turned his magic into black magic.

One day, while the King was making one of his visits, he heard singing. He hadn’t started rapping yet so he stormed through the school until he found the source of this singing. At last, he found a group of the school’s biggest losers and a “Spanish teacher” performing “Winter Wrap Up” from My Little Pony. While they were, in fact, quite talented, he couldn’t stand to see students enjoying music without the judgment of their peers. 

The King kicked open the door and was about to start rapping “Super Bass” when a student interjected.

 “King Schuester, please stop! We’re having so much fun spreading the magic of friendship through music!” 

“And who might you be,” the King answered angrily.

The student replied in a shaky voice,“Rachel Berry, your highness.”

Annoyed, the King asked, “Well, Ms. Berry, give me one good reason why I shouldn’t start rapping this instant.”

“Why don’t we show you, your highness. Hit it!” 

As the King sat there and watched the Glee Club perform a mediocre cover of “New York Summer”, he couldn’t help but remember his glory days. The days when he could sing and rap in peace. As soon as the song was over, he remembered the humiliation he faced and started rapping despite Rachel’s wishes.

The cheer coach, Sue Sylvester, happened to walk by and catch King Schuester’s despicable actions. Coach Sylvester had been a witness to the King’s actions for too long and she knew she couldn’t stand by and watch the kids suffer anymore.

She was trying to think of a solution when, finally,  an idea occurred to her as she was downing a protein shake. Coach Sylvester recalled that there was a book hidden deep in the kingdom’s library that contained a counterspell to the King’s curse.

She slipped on a black tracksuit and set off in the middle of the night on the long journey to the library. Coach Sylvester took the route through the Singing Cemetery, and while it added quite a bit of time to her journey, she couldn’t risk being seen by any of the King’s guards. As she made her way through the cemetery, all the graves started singing hundreds of thousands of songs at once. It was driving the Coach insane, and to make matters worse, every song was the Kidz Bop version. 

Nevertheless, Coach Sylvester prevailed and finally reached the library. When she opened the door, books filled every inch of the room as far as the eye could see. The Coach knew the spell books were somewhere in the back and after a little bit of digging, she found the book. She pored over the hundreds of spells the book held until she finally reached page 180, the counterspell to King Schuester’s curse. The page was brittle and the words faded, but the Coach made out that the counterspell was to challenge the King to a rap battle. Each opponent would have to rap their own song, and after they each had their turn, the rapper who did the best would be announced by the king of rap himself: Justin Bieber.

The Coach hurriedly made her way back home, with a newfound excitement in her heart. She knew that she couldn’t afford to lose, so she chose the ultimate rap song: “Barbie Tingz”. Coach went to sleep that night knowing that she secured tomorrow’s win.

The next morning, she downed two protein shakes in preparation for arguably, the best rap battle in modern history. Coach Sylvester caught the King as he was walking down the halls of Mckinley High School and said “Your highness, I challenge you to a rap battle.” The King couldn’t back down so he accepted. “Ladies first,” he said.

“With pleasure,” replied the Coach. As she was rapping “Barbie Tingz”, the color on King Schuester’s face started to drain, he got increasingly more nervous as the song progressed. When it came time for the King’s turn, his confidence was shaken, but he proceeded to rap “Ice Ice Baby”. The students immediately started dancing and singing around the Coach and King (the effects of his curse), it was complete and utter insanity.

The King had finally finished his miserable performance and Justin Bieber descended down from the heavens to announce the winner. The two opponents anxiously awaited for Justin’s answer. Justin uttered “Congratulations, Coach Sylvester, you are the winner,” and ascended back to the sky.

The King collapsed onto the ground, unable to process the news he’d just heard. He was so furious that he wished he could start rapping and force the students to perform.
Now that the King was rendered powerless, the kingdom executed him immediately after the battle. Coach Sylvester carried out the execution by suffocating the King with her own two hands. Her coronation ceremony took place shortly after and she was crowned the queen of Lima.

The students were finally able to enjoy music and the Glee Club was more popular than ever, as the students discovered a genuine passion for the arts.

Queen Sylvester’s heroism was legendary, and her story continued to be passed on for many generations. The Kingdom of Lima lived happily ever after thanks to Queen Sylvester.


Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Malak is a sophomore and this is her second year writing for VC and her first year as EIC. When she's not writing questionable literature, she enjoys creating video segments for the Morning Buzz, participating in Speech & Debate, playing the flute in band, working in stage crew for the UM Underground Players, among many other extracurriculars. Outside of school (and procrastinating), Malak can be found watching an unhealthy amount of Netflix while drinking an unhealthy amount of cold brew.